luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
