I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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