she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
