His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
