Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
