just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
