i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
