Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
