Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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