I wish my penis had an off switch
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
