I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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