Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
