Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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