You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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