i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
