Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
