WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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