I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
