You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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