You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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