then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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