I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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