Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
