his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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