Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
