Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
