Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
