maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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