I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize