I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
