I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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