Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
