I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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