Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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