so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
me + whiskey = a bad person
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
