the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Drake has all the answers
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
