is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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