$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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