yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize