1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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