i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize