Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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