I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
