Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
