Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
