Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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