that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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