got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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