Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
