it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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