Kiss
Puke
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
