Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
