apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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