I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
