Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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