So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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