I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
