I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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