I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
