somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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